SFWritersU

Just wondering what you might think of this.  The writing just keeps coming and I am trying to organize as I go along --

CHAPTER ONE

He blew in with the wind. 

Cordelia, California, is the place where wind was born. In late summer the trade winds from the carquinez straights blow wild and strong.  It was August 2008 and the front door to her house would not stay latched – two mornings in a row the winds blew so hard that she was awakened by the sound of the front door flying open and the wind whipping through the foyer of her small and cozy track home in Cordelia Village. 

Grabbing her light blue robe from the hook of the master bedroom door she traipsed to the foyer.  The cold wind made her shiver as she pushed herself down the hallway.  She stood at the door, now wide open, at 4 am, trying to figure out how to keep it shut.  “Crap” she muttered to herself as she looked around for something to block the front door shut so she could go back to bed.  Her eyes moved around her family room intently searching for an object that was heavy enough to keep the door shut, yet light enough for her to move by herself.  “The recliner!”  Dragging the chair out of the family room, she shoved it, tightly, up under the door knob of the front door and went back to bed.

In the morning she determined that she had to run over to Home Depot to get a new door knob and lock.  It was out of control.  Frustrated she dialed the cell phone number to her first husband, Rick.  “Will you please come by my house tonight to change my door knob?  The damn door keeps flying open and it’s getting dangerous, I’m there alone with the kids and someone could just walk right in”.  Rick, grudgingly, said he’d drop over to her house that evening. 

WHAT YOU DID WELL:

·         You felt inspired to write this, and you went for it! That's awesome! It's like a little angel on your shoulder is telling you what to write. Only a fool would ignore that. Go for it!

·         You’re including description, introspection, and a clear setting. That’s a good start.

WHAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON:

·         I think you mean "tract home" rather than "track home". Consult Webster's for clarification.

·         I recommend that you give a name to your character right away, in the sentence "she was awakened..." Don't wait too long to tell us who "she" is. Maybe you’re not sure what to call your character, and that’s okay. A baby name book can help. So can a phone book. There are some wonderful web sites online that list baby names and give their meanings.

·         You have a number of comma errors. For guidelines on basic comma use, my blog offers a free grammar guide. Consult my profile page on SFWU for a link, if you're interested.

·         You’ll probably want your first chapter to be quite a bit longer. I usually try to reach 10 pages double spaced, and sometimes I go over that. FYI, I tend to use Times New Roman, font size 12. I’m not sure what would be your average for Currier.

SOME QUESTIONS I STILL HAVE:

·         What does your main character look like?

·         If it's tract housing, isn't she in a suburb? If so, are neighboring houses experiencing problems with the wind storm? Or are they magically unaffected?

·         Is the wind a personification of a mystical or magical character who will appear later in the story? Does she see shapes or hear voices in the wind?

·         Is the wind a bad omen? Will this be a mystery? I'm very curious about your story's genre.

·         Why would she call her ex-husband? How does Rick respond? Is he able to help? If he's the "first" husband, then what happened to the second? Maybe the second husband is the incarnation of wind! Is he the one who "blew in with the wind"? It could be very interesting!

I hope my feedback is helpful and inspiring.

I just wanted to say Thank you very much for the feed back.  I know I have a great deal to learn, but I am having such a great time writing!  This is only a portion of the chapter...cant wait to get back to it!  Unfortunately, I have a day job that allways gets in the way of writing!

Cindy

Cindy --

I have read a number of writings people posted and I really like yours! It is tense and intriguing from the very beginning, and it flows well. I think that maybe you should have told us a little more about the main character herself before telling us about the Home Depot and Rick, but otherwise it looks very good. Will you be posting more? I do hope so :)

Thank you so much for your feedback.  I havent been writing much lately but I have tons of this to get back to...you have inspired me to get back to it soon :)

Cindy - I had some of the same questions as MFogelsong; however, I'd like to add that the writing had me "hooked".

It allowed me to become "interested" in the lives of this woman, her kids and the ex-husband; wondering what the wind, door, chair and the call to ex was about (I'd be able to do my own door knob - they're not that difficult)... so thanks for sharing.